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Potential

I’ve heard it so many times before. Employers have told me it. My parents have told me, my pastors have told me, my teachers…so on and so forth. You name it, they’ve said it to me. What am I talking about you ask? Well, not to sound cocky but the one common thing that almost everyone has told me at some point or another is that I have potential, and to be quite honest it drives me quite nuts. Now, you may be thinking that the phrase ‘you have so much potential’ is complimentary but from my perspective it isn’t. To me, it sounds like “you’re not good enough yet” or “you’re not trying hard enough”. Maybe it’s because I tend to view the negative sides over the positive, but regardless it is something I hear every so often and I wanted to write about it to get it off my chest.

How do I get from where I’m at, from who I am to where my potential can take me? Isn’t that what it’s all about? Harnessing this built in resource of something, to better me as a person, as a soon to be husband, as an employee, as a friend, as a photographer, as a Christian, as a Korean, as a son…ETC? For as many times that I’ve heard someone tell me this, I’ve yet to come across anyone who’s told me “well done, you’ve arrived. You’ve reached your potential” and I think this is the main reason why it annoys me so much to hear about it in the first place.

I feel like I’m growing tired of waiting for it to happen yet at the same time, I guess I can’t say with certainty that I’ve given it my all. I’ve always believed that extraordinary people weren’t people with extraordinary gifts or talents. Instead, I believe they’re all normal people with extraordinary vision, work ethic and/or discipline. From the interviews that I’ve seen, and the biographies that I’ve read, every extraordinary person says the same thing, that they “worked their ass off for everything they have”. That “nothing was given to them for free” and that the journey to realizing one’s potential is never truly realized because it’s an ongoing process. People can always improve, people can always get and do better. That is why you see guys like Bill Gates, one of the richest people in the world, still working as hard as he did when he first started. Although lately, he’s been slowing down a bit to focus his attention on his charitable foundation. But then you look at rappers like Diddy and 50 Cent. See, rappers have this thing called “hustle” which refers to whatever one does in order to make a livin g. Guys like 50 Cent and Diddy have extraordinary amounts of hustle, because even as multi millionaires, they still act and fight as though they are hungry and have nothing.

Nothing is given, everything must be earned. If I could have that phrase tattooed on my body, I probably would. I fight with myself everyday, trying to be more disciplined and ambitious. But it’s a vicious battle with really only one casualty, myself and my livelihood.

Now that I’m getting married, everything changes. I can’t afford to be comfortable. I can’t afford to rest on my laurels. I can’t afford to sell myself short and give it anything less than 100%. I see dedicated, focused and passionate people all the time, everywhere I go. But why is it so hard?

Don’t tell me I have potential. Tell me I’m great, but first let me earn it. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Buffalo

There’s something about going to Buffalo that’s just plain magical. Sure it’s probably the worst state in all of America, with absolutely no excitement, no sights to see, beat up roads, unpleasant people, so on and so forth…but the notion that a simple line (or in this case a border) divides two nations apart, with completely different ideals, money, product pricing, taxes, etc brings about such a sense of diversity and foreignity (yeah I just made that word up).

Today a few of us took the day off work to do some well deserved shopping in the armpit of America and yes one of my favorite places to visit, Buffalo New York. There were tons of sales but not too many things we wanted to buy. I ended up buying a sweater, some toiletries (because they’re SO much cheaper in the states) and a DVD for my cousin (bring on the Prison Break, I’m ready!).

We ended up getting caught at the border, but didn’t have to pay after they inspected our car to find out that we really didn’t buy that much stuff today. Sure we were wearing some of our purchases, but really…we did NOT buy that much crap today!

Well it’s late, almost midnight….I had a LONG day as you can imagine. I’ll write more later.

Question, please answer

Do you need to respect someone, in order to be their friend? What happens when you stop respecting a friend? Do they then cease being your friend? Is respect a prerequisite to maintaining a sound friendship? I think the word ‘friend’ is thrown around and used somewhat recklessly just like the word ‘love’ is. I really wish people would only use words in their proper context.

But back to the question, I’m asking because I think I know what the answer is, but I’d like for someone to reiterate it to me anyway. Thanks.

Popcorn

Been feeling a lot of angst and frustration within me lately but that isn’t my main concern. My main concern is finding an outlet for these things, sort of like a car’s exhaust because I need to get it out of me as soon as possible.

Weekends are quickly turning into ‘relax and do absolutely nothing’ for me. I guess it’s how I charge my batteries from a long week of work and commuting.

less than 6 months away until the wedding. Now it’s finally hitting me that I’ll be getting hitched in about a half year’s time.

It’s 12:36 am right now. I’m screwed because I got so much sleep today. At least I cleaned my room, well sorta.

My cousin from Korea finished 3 seasons of 24 in 3 weeks. That’s 72 episodes, spread out over 6 days…you do the math. haha Prison Break: Season 1 here we come!

I don’t even want a vacation anymore. That’s been my user ID on my blackberry chat application for several months now, but I’ve conceded to the fact that 2008 will go down in the history books as being the busiest year of my life. It only gets crazier from here. Lucky me.

I see my competition out there with regards to photography…I’m referring to people who are starting out like me and I’m not impressed neither do I feel threatened. If I put my all into it, I think I can get pretty damn good at it but that’s a big ‘if’. Photography is expensive, time consuming, frustrating but equally rewarding and fun. We’ll see what happens..

Paint by Numbers

There is, so much of me that wants to be so much more. I feel like I’ve depreciated in value as a human being living his life in this world. Can you imagine what kind of emotions and grief are associated with such an omission? I’m not saying I’m a bad person or that I have even done bad things, but I can’t shake the feeling that I used to be a lot better, a lot kinder and a lot more passionate. I struggle with my faith on a daily basis. I guess it shouldn’t be such a shock to me that I struggle with my self identity in process.

I can’t exactly point out when, but somewhere along the line I decided that mediocre was sufficient. I figured that leuk warm was the right temperature. I used to do so much for others and now I can’t even be bothered to pick up my phone and give people a shout here and there.

When someone gets medically sick, they go to the doctors, get his/her diagnosis then take whatever prescription medication necessary to get rid of the problem. If only life’s problems were that simple eh? I know exactly what is wrong with me. I even know what I need to do in order to fix my problems. So the problem isn’t the question or the answer, but rather the rough work in between both those two things.

I feel so empty, so low on fuel these days. If you read my post a couple of days ago when I compared life with a car, I’m like a car that’s been on a road trip to a foreign destination where my gas light is blinking but I can’t stop, because I’m convinced that eventually, I’ll reach a gas station.

All I know is, if I can’t find one soon, I’m screwed.

dammit I missed a day

I miss the sun. I miss feeling the warmth of a nice summer’s day, doing summerly activities and so forth. Don’t get me wrong, I love the winter and the brisk cold air it brings, but you know what they say don’t you? We miss the summer in the winter and the winter in the summer. Perhaps the worst part of going through a winter is the fact that I barely get to see the sun. When I wake up to go to work, I get to see a bit of it but by the time I leave the office its pitch black out there.

haha this is probably the worst blog entry ever but meh…what can I do?

Life is a balancing Act

As one (or in this case me) gets wiser (another word for ‘older’) he begins to realize that life goes from something you kinda just live to something you need to learn how to balance and manage. I’ve always contended that your job/career demands and takes an awful lot from you. Time/energy/stress/priority to name a few. It becomes even more apparent that this balancing act needs to be mastered so that you can carry out a fulfilling life with as little dysfunction as possible.

You can sort of compare one’s life to a automobile. Some people just press the gas pedal knowing that that is what causes the car to move but without thinking about the many intricate processes involved under the hood that generates the power for the car to move. A lot of people do that, myself included sometimes, where you just press the pedal to the metal and deal with the consequences of either running out of gas or getting into a collision later. But this is where knowing the ins and outs of one’s car comes in handy. People who know better will never let their tank run empty but if it ever does, they will have a small container of gas in the trunk or will at least be aware of the nearest gas stations when they run out of gas (burn out in life). People who know better will be able to fix their car themselves after an accident without having to go through insurance or rely on other people to repair their car.

There’s a lot of nuances (great word) to this analogy, but I hope you’re getting the main idea. I’ve been working full time for the past 4 years and I still haven’t mastered this balancing act. In fact, as my life evolves (i.e. engagement), the feat becomes even more difficult to accomplish. I guess it never ends right? You get married, then you have kids, then your parents retire, then your kids go to college, then your kids get married, etc. etc. etc.

See why it’s important to start learning now?

Hot Yoga

So I’m lying in my bed, trying my very best to fall asleep. The time’s 11:52 pm and I can’t seem to get myself to sleep. So my mind starts wandering from topic to topic, thought to thought…then I realized, I TOTALLY forgot about my December promise.

I’m going to keep it short tonight and I’m going to start off with a small confession: for the first time in my life, I tried hot yoga.

My chiropractor has been bugging me for years to start yoga or at the very least a stretching routine, but c’mon now…who has time to do these kinds of things? But due to some November promotion and a ‘hot new yoga place’ that opened up very close to my house, I really didn’t have any excuses but to sign up for a week.

I can’t say that I’m a huge fan of it, but I can still see why it is so popular and I could definitely feel the positive results from all that stretching and breathing. The difference between hot yoga and normal yoga is that hot yoga takes place in a sauna like room whereas the other kind is done in just a regular room. The latter seemed far too boring/unappealing to me so I decided to sign up for the hot. Most of the poses are pretty simple to pull off, but then there are those that put me to shame and I can’t even perform 50% of the stretch/angle/etc.

If you’ve never been, I’d recommend trying it out at least once…just to see what all the hype is about.

Okay I realize this wasn’t the most exciting entry ever but at least I didn’t break my promise. Btw, at the end of tonight’s session, when we’re supposed to lie on our mats and relax our whole body and all of it’s muscles…I actually fell asleep and worse yet, started snoring like a beast.

good times…good times.

I wonder how long I can keep this daily blogging up.

My December Promise

A severe lack of discipline and shortage of time has led to a serious drought of writing on this page. So, for the month of December, I will write one post per day so as to exercise my shortcomings as a blogger and someone who should be in better control of his life/schedule.

Yesterday a bunch of us watched the movie ‘4 Christmases’, starring two actors I don’t really care for…Vince Vaughan and Reese Witherspoon. Going in, I didn’t want to know what the synopsis was, because I figured the lower my expectations, the better the chance of me enjoying it. I was half right. The main message of the movie is that marriage is bad and only debilitates and neuters what was once a healthy and exciting relationship. Does that make sense? The two aforementioned main characters, who’ve been dating for a few years, decide to go on vacation during the holiday season but due to poor weather, their flight and thus their trip becomes cancelled. Instead, the two of them are forced to visit all four of their divorced parents, something that neither of them have done in years.

I thought the humour was so sophomoric and seemed awkward at times. Reese Witherspoon is likeable when she plays the ditsy blond (a la American Blond) but falls a bit flat in this film.

Anyway, back to the main message of the movie. The world seems to be telling me that I’m crazy for getting married and that the beginning of the marriage will mark the end of my life in many respects, but I’m still excited to be getting married and I still don’t believe what everyone is saying. Perhaps the problem is a lot of couples get married too early. From my own personal experience, it’s my opinion that you should wait at LEAST two years before popping the big Q. I see couples these days getting engaged after 6 months and it absolutely shocks me. Of course you’d want to marry your significant other after just 180 days. It’s because you’re in love with an illusion. Wait until you get into that first big fight. Wait until you’re faced with many of life’s often times cruel tests and pop quizzes. I mean, if you’re able to get married after 6 months and make it work, more power to you brother or sister. But I’m just saying, to be on the safe side…wait a couple of years.  I’m glad I waited and like I said before, I’m still very excited so what does that tell you?

Not bad for day one. My eyes are burning from my fatigue (yeah I know it’s only 10:12 pm) but i can’t sleep cuz I just had some chicken and beer with my dad/cousin. Speaking of my cousin, my cousin Ryan has been living with me for the past month or so, while he studies English for the next 10 months. Last week he started season 1 of the show ‘24′, today he finished season 2. It’s been fun watching some of the episodes with him. But it’s sad to see what the show once was compared to what it has become. Season 4 was pretty bad but season 5 was even worse. I told him to just watch the first 3 seasons (3 being my favorite). After that, I’m going to get him started on Prison Break. haha

sleepless on a sunday

This weekend was supposed to be 2 days filled with catching up, running errands, completing and then checking off things that needed to be done, getting some miscellaneous wedding tasks out of the way and so forth, BUT I didn’t really get anything accomplished except for spending another ridiculous (but necessary) amount of $ on wedding expenses, this time in the form of decor. The problem with our wedding is that we did all the budgeting around 8 months ago which was about 6 months prior to the arrival of this so called ‘recession’. Since we signed on the dotted lines with so many of our wedding vendors, we obviously can’t make any substantial changes to our plans so we’re going to go ahead with everything as previously planned. Hopefully by next June, the economy will have stabilized a bit so that we won’t have such heavy hearts spending so much money on our big day. But fears and stress aside, both Jen and I are getting very excited for our day as it is creeping up on us very quickly.

The time is 12:14 am, Sunday morning I guess yet I’m wide awake. This is not good seeing as how I have to wake up in a few hours. I’m going to try to get some sleep now. I’ll write more later.

btw, for what it’s worth…I’m beginning to see things a bit more clearly now. Seeing things for how they really are and people for who they really are. It’s a bit sombering and even slightly depressing, but the realities of this world and this life are harsh at times, so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. But still, it kinda sucks.

I can only do so much. I’m just going to hope for the best this time. People change…I still need to get it through my head that this is simply the case sometimes.